Thursday, 31 March 2016

The Digital Beard.

Technology has created some mind-blowing ideas of late. 

One rather disturbing development I have come across recently is the Digital Beard. The use of male facial hair as a digital storage device.

Klaus Von Strutenberg a digital pioneer in California has successfully transferred data from optical fibres to the strands of  human hair. 

Strutenberg's research found that men's beard hair and optical fibres  have a very similar molecular structure and they behave in very similar ways.

In 2012, Strutenberg successfully uploaded a Mariah Carey music video to a single bristle.

Tom Yoravinmeon, a volunteer, had his films, playlists, photos and personal information uploaded to his beard via an adapted bristle
port and cable. 

Strutenberg said, "I know this sounds implausible, but I see the day when Netflix will be able to stream direct to Bluetooth beards. 
All personal ID, like passports, CV's and bank details will be stored on a hairy chin. Facebook will actually be on the human face."

The trials have not been without controversy.

Female scientists and groups like WAB, Women Against Beards, have attempted to disrupt Strutenberg's trials on the basis of inequality.

A group of female lawyers, backed by Gillette, have filed a petition  to stop the trials on the grounds of sexism. Women, or most women, are unable to grow beards.

In response, the research team have tried to digitalise a woman's hair with disastrous results.

Strutenberg found the electrical negatively charged  impulses from the brain interfered with the positively charged digital information. 

One female volunteer's head caught fire when Spotify, (a major sponsor of the trials), tried to upload the complete discography of Dolly Parton to her ponytail.

Another volunteer's ears melted when the researchers tried to upload Kim Kardashian's Twitter page to her lustrous bob.

An extreme female activist group called  Bye Bye Beard, ( The BBB),  have been attacking men in San Diego bars with shaving foam.

Unperturbed, Strutenberg's team are continuing with their trials and they expect the Digital Beard to be launched in 2018. 

During the research trials there was one notable discovery. 

Any advertising or branded content was automatically rejected by beards. 

The advertising content remained on the hair follicles to be removed later with a fine beard comb. 

It appears that beards are natural adblockers.

Here is a quick film that was smuggled out of Strutenberg's Labs.

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